I'm Scared

So, I am 6 weeks today. But I'm deathly afraid I'm not pregnany anymore.

Yesterday, around 5p, I started getting pretty bad period cramps. I know people say that have this during pregnancy, but they were pretty bad -- and lasted until about 7a this morning. I gagged a little when I was flossing my teeth this morning, and since then, I feel like all of my pregnancy symptoms have gone away. I don't feel as nauseous as I did yesterday and I don't feel as tired, either. I'm completely freaking out and debating calling my doctor to go in for an ultrasound (even though I'm scheduled to see her this Friday). Fortunately, my boobs still hurt, but when I had my last miscarriage, my boobs continued to hurt after I lost the baby.

I truly don't know if I'm strong enough to go through this again. I'm praying to God every second that everything is OK with my pregnancy and that it will be successful and I will carry full term.

Please God. Please bless my husband and me with a precious baby. I know we will make the best parents ever.

Prayer for Motherhood

On Father's Day, my aunt brought some prayer cards for my sisters and me (all unique to something going on in our individual lives). I was fortunate enough to receive a prayer card from St. Gerard and his Prayer for Motherhood:

O good St. Gerard, powerful intercessor before God and Wonder-worker of our day, I call upon thee and seek thy aid. Thou who on earth didst always fulfill God's design, help me to do the Holy Will of God. Beseech the Master of Life, from Whom all paternity proceedeth, to render me fruitful in offspring, that I may raise up children to God in this life and heirs to the Kingdom of His glory in the world to come.

Amen.

I have been carrying this prayer card around with me since I received it. In addition, I started to wear my cross around my neck again (I go thru spurts of different jewelry I wear, but think it's appropriate I wear it now and for the next 8 months).

As I wrote this post, I remembered that the readings during my wedding ceremony were also focused on having children. I chose these readings intentionally because I know couples can have trouble having children and I wanted God to know how badly I want them. Since my miscarriage and now with my second pregnancy, I find myself closer to God and I find a lot of comfort in that. Having God in my life allows me to feel a little more at ease because I know He is with me every step of the way.

Worrying is Like a Rocking Chair

I have received a LOT of advice in my life -- about school, about preparing for a career, about my career, about relationships, etc... but the absolute best advice I've ever received was about life in general... and it was from my husband.

I'm the type of person who constantly worries. I worry that the people in my life get to work OK every morning, I worry that my dog is OK and healthy at all times, I worry that someone is going to break into my house when my husband goes away for the weekend. I'm a worry wort. I always have been and am afraid I always will be.

Which, I'm sure is why I'm worried if this pregnancy is going to stick (although, I do have a past experience that also attributes to this worry). I'm constantly checking my underwear to make sure I don't see anything peculiar (sorry, TMI, but it's the truth) and I'm constantly on my blackberry Googling things to see if it's normal during early stages of pregnancy.

So... what's the best advice I received from my husband? He tells me time and time again...
Worrying is like a rocking chair... it will get you nowhere.

The more I play this little phrase over and over in my head, the more relaxed it makes me. He's right. What is worrying about every little thing going to do? It's completely out of my hands at this point and in God's hands. I should not be worried because I've (and my husband) have done my part.

Although it's difficult to do, I'm going to play this over and over in my head until I know that this pregnancy is a healthy one and I'll carry full-term. I'll also pray a lot and ask God that he let this pregnancy be successful so I can have a healthy baby in February 2010. I'm a good person and am a good mom to my dog; I know I will be the best mom to a child.

Sticky Glue

I'm nearing the end of my fourth week and I'm still so nervous. My boobs hurt so bad on Saturday and then the pain completely went away Saturday night and Sunday morning. When I was sitting in church, I was convinced I was starting to miscarry -- I thought I felt blood or something come out of me. Fortunately, when I got home, everything was OK. And now my boobs have returned to hurting, so that makes me feel better.

I go to the dr next Friday, July 3 and have a feeling I'm going to be very nervous until then. I'm trying so hard to be positive, but it's hard when you've already been thru one miscarriage. Talk about the TWW, I'm not in the TMW (2 month wait).

Other than my boobs hurting, things have been pretty smooth sailing. Although, I will say that I'm feeling a little nauseous today -- I welcome it, though. I will never complain about any pregnancies symptoms because I'm just so grateful I'm pregnant.

I pray every day that God gives me stick glue this pregnancy and I carry the baby full term.

4 Weeks

So, I'm officially 4 weeks and 3 days pregnant and I'm feeling really nervous. I feel like I have cramps today and I'm so nervous that it's the beginning of a miscarriage. I'm trying to be positive and realize many women have cramps during their pregnancies, but because of what I've been through in the past, the worst cannot get out of my head.

I don't have any cravings and no sickness at this point, although, I do find that I'm hungrier than usual.

Until next time...

BFP!

So, I didn't get my period at all yesterday. Last time I was pregnant, I tested the night I was supposed to get my period and got my BFP. I was really going to try to wait until today to test, but something was telling me yesterday that I was pregnant. I tested AS SOON as I got home from work and within 30 seconds I saw two lines! I'm pregnant!

I'm so unbelievably excited but I'm also very nervous as well. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high considering how my last pregnancy ended, but I'll be going to a new OB (who is a million times better than my old OB) who makes me feel totally comfortable and told me I could go in to see her for an appointment every week starting at 6 weeks until I feel comfortable. I love that. I didn't see my old doctor until I was 9.5 weeks pregnant and the days leading up to 9.5 from the time I found out I was pregnant were very difficult.

I want to send babydust to all other women out there who are trying to get pregnant. Please stay positive and pray (that's what I did!).

15 DPO

So... the day is finally here. I'm 15 DPO and I should definitely get my period today -- and if I don't get my full period, there should at least be some spotting. I'm going to try to stay positive, though, as I have no spotting or period yet (but then again it's only 9:30a).

Here's what I feel today:

• cramps -- they pretty much feel exactly as they do when I start my period
• canker sores still -- again... something I have right before I get my period
• I feel a little weak today -- just different than I normally feel. Maybe this is how I feel before I get my period, but I've never paid close enough attention before

I wish I documented exactly how I felt last time I got pregnant. I cannot remember for the life of me if I had cramps that day or any symptoms leading up to the day I got my BFP.

I will continue to update as the day progresses. I truly hope I have good news to report.

So, it's 2:15p and still no sign of the wicked witch. I hope this is a good sign.

• What I can say, though, is that I've been sneezing WAY more than usual today -- I've done some research and some sites have said this can happen in early pregnancy
• I think my cramps are gone-zo?