9 weeks and counting...

It's so sad that women who go through miscarriages wish their first trimester away. The day I found out I was pregnant I couldn't wait to be past the 12 week mark so I could enjoy my pregnancy and be filled with happiness and joy instead of fear.



Today is 9 weeks (although, my last ultrasound makes it seem like I'm further along) and yesterday I started getting a KILLER headache. I am well aware that headaches in pregnancy are common, however, during my last pregnancy, I didn't have any headaches and the week I started getting them was the week I miscarried. I'm not sure if it's a coincidence, but thankfully I go back to my doctor this Friday (God bless a doctor who is sensitive to high-maintenance patients who've been through tragedy before) for another ultrasound and checkup -- hopefully all will be well.



Women should be able to ENJOY their pregnancy from the moment they see two lines on the stick... I cannot wait until the day when I'm able to fully enjoy this pregnancy and not feel like I'm in a constant state of worry.

Prayer for Motherhood

On Father's Day, my aunt brought some prayer cards for my sisters and me (all unique to something going on in our individual lives). I was fortunate enough to receive a prayer card from St. Gerard and his Prayer for Motherhood:

O good St. Gerard, powerful intercessor before God and Wonder-worker of our day, I call upon thee and seek thy aid. Thou who on earth didst always fulfill God's design, help me to do the Holy Will of God. Beseech the Master of Life, from Whom all paternity proceedeth, to render me fruitful in offspring, that I may raise up children to God in this life and heirs to the Kingdom of His glory in the world to come.

Amen.

I have been carrying this prayer card around with me since I received it. In addition, I started to wear my cross around my neck again (I go thru spurts of different jewelry I wear, but think it's appropriate I wear it now and for the next 8 months).

As I wrote this post, I remembered that the readings during my wedding ceremony were also focused on having children. I chose these readings intentionally because I know couples can have trouble having children and I wanted God to know how badly I want them. Since my miscarriage and now with my second pregnancy, I find myself closer to God and I find a lot of comfort in that. Having God in my life allows me to feel a little more at ease because I know He is with me every step of the way.

Worrying is Like a Rocking Chair

I have received a LOT of advice in my life -- about school, about preparing for a career, about my career, about relationships, etc... but the absolute best advice I've ever received was about life in general... and it was from my husband.

I'm the type of person who constantly worries. I worry that the people in my life get to work OK every morning, I worry that my dog is OK and healthy at all times, I worry that someone is going to break into my house when my husband goes away for the weekend. I'm a worry wort. I always have been and am afraid I always will be.

Which, I'm sure is why I'm worried if this pregnancy is going to stick (although, I do have a past experience that also attributes to this worry). I'm constantly checking my underwear to make sure I don't see anything peculiar (sorry, TMI, but it's the truth) and I'm constantly on my blackberry Googling things to see if it's normal during early stages of pregnancy.

So... what's the best advice I received from my husband? He tells me time and time again...
Worrying is like a rocking chair... it will get you nowhere.

The more I play this little phrase over and over in my head, the more relaxed it makes me. He's right. What is worrying about every little thing going to do? It's completely out of my hands at this point and in God's hands. I should not be worried because I've (and my husband) have done my part.

Although it's difficult to do, I'm going to play this over and over in my head until I know that this pregnancy is a healthy one and I'll carry full-term. I'll also pray a lot and ask God that he let this pregnancy be successful so I can have a healthy baby in February 2010. I'm a good person and am a good mom to my dog; I know I will be the best mom to a child.

Beer Me?

To give you a little background on me -- I always have a drink in my hand when I'm at any type of social/family function. I don't always get drunk, but I do enjoy a beer or two or a nice glass of vino. That being said, now that I'm a little older (and perhaps hungover), I don't always want to drink. But the problem is, I don't want my family to suspect that I'm pregnant (because I'm not) just because for once in my life I'm not enjoying an adult beverage.

I have a family function to go to tonight. I'm sure alcohol will be flowing. However, I drank almost a bottle of wine last night at the bowling alley and don't really feel like drinking anything today. But do I want to deal with the inquiring looks -- "do you think she's pregnant?" My whole family obviously knows about my miscarriage and that I've been trying for another baby since January 2009, so I know it's a natural thought to wonder if I'm pregnant. But I'm not. And it bothers me. And it bothers me when people think I am. And it bothers me when people ask me if I'm going to ever have kids.

8 DPO

Again, not really feeling anything today. I feel like I'm going to the bathroom more than usual -- but maybe I'm just drinking more water? I swear I do things to myself during the TWW to make me think I'm pregnant: I'll push on my boobs to make them sore; drink more water so I have to pee more; feel like I can't see as well hoping the hormones are f'ing with my eyes; the list goes on.

The only promising thing for me this month is that last night my husband made a comment that my hormones seem completely out of whack because I was acting crazier than normal (haha). He typically doesn't comment on things like this... so maybe he's right. Let's hope so.

PS -- I think a girl I work with is pregnant. Sweet. Another person to add to the list.

Update: I had minor cramps at night -- makes me think I'll be getting a BFN.

Update: Totally forgot that every time I stood up from sitting down, I was very dizzy.

Everyone is Knocked Up

First it was coping with the miscarriage, and now it's coping with the two week wait... while EVERYONE around me is having babies or getting knocked up.

If I could count the number of friends/relatives/coworkers/acquiantances who are pregnant, I think I would die. And as each day passes, it gets harder and harder.

Not only that, but EVERYONE on Facebook (yes, I'm in my upper 20s and have a Facebook account) either has status updates about being pregnant (or their wife being pregnant) or pictures of their growing belly or newly born baby. Every day I tell myself to get rid of Facebook because I can't stand to look at everyone's happiness, while I feel completely and utterly depressed. Why don't I get rid of my Facebook account, you ask? Because I'm addicted to playing Scrabble and I couldn't fathom getting through the work day without it. Priorities, people.

The only comfort I've found in dealing with everyone's pregnancy is that God has a plan and there's a reason that I lost my baby and that I don't have another miracle growing in me yet.

How do you cope with your loss or TTC when everyone around you is pregnant?

Want to Add to Our Family

Welcome, readers. I have no idea what I'm doing with this blog... have no idea how to write a blog... have no idea how to set up a blog... but I figured it's the best way to get my thoughts written down so they're not always in my head. Plus, I figured there are others out there who can relate.

Here's my story... my husband and I decided in August '08 that we were going to try for a baby. We got pregnant in September; I received a BFP on Sept. 29. From then on, I was ecstatic. I knew it could take a year or longer to get pregnant, but it only took us one month!

Weeks went by until I was able to see my doctor (she didn't want to see any pregnant patients until they were 8-10 weeks along). I saw her when I was 9.5 weeks. Everything was "good" according to her -- although, she did no ultrasound and we couldn't hear the baby's heartbeat on the doppler (she said this was normal at my stage of pregnancy).

It turned out, when I was 11.5 weeks pregnant, I started bleeding and began to miscarry. Once I was in the ER, I was told my baby was not alive and s/he died at only 6 weeks. Had my doctor had the appropriate equipment in her office, I would've known this 2 weeks prior and wouldn't have thought I was only a few short days away from my second trimester and getting rid of the fear of losing my baby.

That all happened in November and my husband and I started trying again in January. It's now June 3 and still no BFP (and I was due June 7 with my first baby, so you can imagine the week I'm having).

Feel free to use this blog as a site to vent or be upset or offer advice to me or anyone else who may read it.