I'm Scared

So, I am 6 weeks today. But I'm deathly afraid I'm not pregnany anymore.

Yesterday, around 5p, I started getting pretty bad period cramps. I know people say that have this during pregnancy, but they were pretty bad -- and lasted until about 7a this morning. I gagged a little when I was flossing my teeth this morning, and since then, I feel like all of my pregnancy symptoms have gone away. I don't feel as nauseous as I did yesterday and I don't feel as tired, either. I'm completely freaking out and debating calling my doctor to go in for an ultrasound (even though I'm scheduled to see her this Friday). Fortunately, my boobs still hurt, but when I had my last miscarriage, my boobs continued to hurt after I lost the baby.

I truly don't know if I'm strong enough to go through this again. I'm praying to God every second that everything is OK with my pregnancy and that it will be successful and I will carry full term.

Please God. Please bless my husband and me with a precious baby. I know we will make the best parents ever.

Prayer for Motherhood

On Father's Day, my aunt brought some prayer cards for my sisters and me (all unique to something going on in our individual lives). I was fortunate enough to receive a prayer card from St. Gerard and his Prayer for Motherhood:

O good St. Gerard, powerful intercessor before God and Wonder-worker of our day, I call upon thee and seek thy aid. Thou who on earth didst always fulfill God's design, help me to do the Holy Will of God. Beseech the Master of Life, from Whom all paternity proceedeth, to render me fruitful in offspring, that I may raise up children to God in this life and heirs to the Kingdom of His glory in the world to come.

Amen.

I have been carrying this prayer card around with me since I received it. In addition, I started to wear my cross around my neck again (I go thru spurts of different jewelry I wear, but think it's appropriate I wear it now and for the next 8 months).

As I wrote this post, I remembered that the readings during my wedding ceremony were also focused on having children. I chose these readings intentionally because I know couples can have trouble having children and I wanted God to know how badly I want them. Since my miscarriage and now with my second pregnancy, I find myself closer to God and I find a lot of comfort in that. Having God in my life allows me to feel a little more at ease because I know He is with me every step of the way.

Worrying is Like a Rocking Chair

I have received a LOT of advice in my life -- about school, about preparing for a career, about my career, about relationships, etc... but the absolute best advice I've ever received was about life in general... and it was from my husband.

I'm the type of person who constantly worries. I worry that the people in my life get to work OK every morning, I worry that my dog is OK and healthy at all times, I worry that someone is going to break into my house when my husband goes away for the weekend. I'm a worry wort. I always have been and am afraid I always will be.

Which, I'm sure is why I'm worried if this pregnancy is going to stick (although, I do have a past experience that also attributes to this worry). I'm constantly checking my underwear to make sure I don't see anything peculiar (sorry, TMI, but it's the truth) and I'm constantly on my blackberry Googling things to see if it's normal during early stages of pregnancy.

So... what's the best advice I received from my husband? He tells me time and time again...
Worrying is like a rocking chair... it will get you nowhere.

The more I play this little phrase over and over in my head, the more relaxed it makes me. He's right. What is worrying about every little thing going to do? It's completely out of my hands at this point and in God's hands. I should not be worried because I've (and my husband) have done my part.

Although it's difficult to do, I'm going to play this over and over in my head until I know that this pregnancy is a healthy one and I'll carry full-term. I'll also pray a lot and ask God that he let this pregnancy be successful so I can have a healthy baby in February 2010. I'm a good person and am a good mom to my dog; I know I will be the best mom to a child.

Sticky Glue

I'm nearing the end of my fourth week and I'm still so nervous. My boobs hurt so bad on Saturday and then the pain completely went away Saturday night and Sunday morning. When I was sitting in church, I was convinced I was starting to miscarry -- I thought I felt blood or something come out of me. Fortunately, when I got home, everything was OK. And now my boobs have returned to hurting, so that makes me feel better.

I go to the dr next Friday, July 3 and have a feeling I'm going to be very nervous until then. I'm trying so hard to be positive, but it's hard when you've already been thru one miscarriage. Talk about the TWW, I'm not in the TMW (2 month wait).

Other than my boobs hurting, things have been pretty smooth sailing. Although, I will say that I'm feeling a little nauseous today -- I welcome it, though. I will never complain about any pregnancies symptoms because I'm just so grateful I'm pregnant.

I pray every day that God gives me stick glue this pregnancy and I carry the baby full term.

4 Weeks

So, I'm officially 4 weeks and 3 days pregnant and I'm feeling really nervous. I feel like I have cramps today and I'm so nervous that it's the beginning of a miscarriage. I'm trying to be positive and realize many women have cramps during their pregnancies, but because of what I've been through in the past, the worst cannot get out of my head.

I don't have any cravings and no sickness at this point, although, I do find that I'm hungrier than usual.

Until next time...

BFP!

So, I didn't get my period at all yesterday. Last time I was pregnant, I tested the night I was supposed to get my period and got my BFP. I was really going to try to wait until today to test, but something was telling me yesterday that I was pregnant. I tested AS SOON as I got home from work and within 30 seconds I saw two lines! I'm pregnant!

I'm so unbelievably excited but I'm also very nervous as well. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high considering how my last pregnancy ended, but I'll be going to a new OB (who is a million times better than my old OB) who makes me feel totally comfortable and told me I could go in to see her for an appointment every week starting at 6 weeks until I feel comfortable. I love that. I didn't see my old doctor until I was 9.5 weeks pregnant and the days leading up to 9.5 from the time I found out I was pregnant were very difficult.

I want to send babydust to all other women out there who are trying to get pregnant. Please stay positive and pray (that's what I did!).

15 DPO

So... the day is finally here. I'm 15 DPO and I should definitely get my period today -- and if I don't get my full period, there should at least be some spotting. I'm going to try to stay positive, though, as I have no spotting or period yet (but then again it's only 9:30a).

Here's what I feel today:

• cramps -- they pretty much feel exactly as they do when I start my period
• canker sores still -- again... something I have right before I get my period
• I feel a little weak today -- just different than I normally feel. Maybe this is how I feel before I get my period, but I've never paid close enough attention before

I wish I documented exactly how I felt last time I got pregnant. I cannot remember for the life of me if I had cramps that day or any symptoms leading up to the day I got my BFP.

I will continue to update as the day progresses. I truly hope I have good news to report.

So, it's 2:15p and still no sign of the wicked witch. I hope this is a good sign.

• What I can say, though, is that I've been sneezing WAY more than usual today -- I've done some research and some sites have said this can happen in early pregnancy
• I think my cramps are gone-zo?

14 DPO

I still feel cramps -- not horribly bad, but enough where I'm pretty sure AF is coming tomorrow. This is getting depressing.

So, it's about 4p now and here's what I've felt all day:

• it feels like I've been doing crunches for a few days straight (I haven't done a single crunch)
• I have a zit smack dab in the middle of my chin
• I have a few canker sores in my mouth, which I always get before my period

Also, I'm EXTREMELY sunburnt. I never (rarely) get sunburnt. I was outside for probably a max of three hours this weekend. It hurts to put my bra on -- and it hurts to continue to wear my bra. So, I got to thinking, could there be something to this since it's rare that I burn like this? I did some research and found that women who are pregnant have much more sensitive skin and are more likely to burn than if they weren't pregnant. So, although I'm fully expecting the wicked witch to come tomorrow, I am keeping my hopes up for something wonderful. I should know tomorrow.

The TWW had come down to 24 hours.

13 DPO

I have cramps. Ugh.

As the day wore on, my cramps really felt like stretching -- like I had done way too many situps or something. Hopefully that's a good sign!

12 DPO

So... it's the morning of 12 DPO and I have zero symptoms once again. I'm pretty sure this isn't my month. Will continue to update as the day goes on.

I WANT A BABY.

11 DPO

OK... so I only have a few more days to go. Luckily my day today will be occupied by work and a family function tonight. I have to make sure I have plenty to keep myself busy with over the weekend. I've already put chores in place for myself so I'm not constantly thinking about the chance of being pregnant or wanted to test.

But... I'm 11 DPO and here are my symptoms (though hardly there):

• lower back pain (could this be from bowling last night?)
• sensitive breasts (but not painful nipples like the first time I was pregnant)

I'm sure I'll have more updates as the day goes on...

• I feel like I have shortness of breath today
• and perhaps some twinges near my uterus

The wait continues...

• Heading to my family function and have major cramps. CRAMPS. UGH.

Beer Me?

To give you a little background on me -- I always have a drink in my hand when I'm at any type of social/family function. I don't always get drunk, but I do enjoy a beer or two or a nice glass of vino. That being said, now that I'm a little older (and perhaps hungover), I don't always want to drink. But the problem is, I don't want my family to suspect that I'm pregnant (because I'm not) just because for once in my life I'm not enjoying an adult beverage.

I have a family function to go to tonight. I'm sure alcohol will be flowing. However, I drank almost a bottle of wine last night at the bowling alley and don't really feel like drinking anything today. But do I want to deal with the inquiring looks -- "do you think she's pregnant?" My whole family obviously knows about my miscarriage and that I've been trying for another baby since January 2009, so I know it's a natural thought to wonder if I'm pregnant. But I'm not. And it bothers me. And it bothers me when people think I am. And it bothers me when people ask me if I'm going to ever have kids.

Feta, please.

Every time I'm in my TWW, I contemplate, should I eat this? Should I eat that? Everything you're NOT supposed to eat when you're pregnant are things that I question. Today was one of those days, but I decided I can't live my life as if I'm pregnant all the time because it will totally fuck with my head and make me think I'm pregnant.

Anyway, I ordered a salad today for lunch -- it came with feta cheese. I choose to keep it on the salad for the above reason I mentioned. I went to Aladdin's to pick up the salad, headed over to the eye doctor to pick up my new glasses, and headed back to work to eat the long-anticipated delicious Aladdin's salad.

I opened up the container.

No feta.

While any other day I probably would've been really pissed, today I wasn't. I thought... I wonder if this is an act of God. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten the salad with feta on it. Maybe this is God's way of telling me I'll get a BFP in 5 days. Let's hope.

But, for now, I will continue living my life as an un-pregnant girl. I can't fuck with myself more than I already do.

10 DPO

I was supposed to go to the dentist today to get a cavity filled, but because I'm not sure if I might be pregnant, I figured it was better to put the appointment off since I would have to get Novocaine at it anyway. I figure, I have one miscarriage under my belt already, I'm going to do everything in my power not to have another one if I ever get pregnant again.

Anyway, it was really difficult again to get out of bed. But maybe these are just symptoms I get before I get my period? Plus, have another mild headache.

It's almost noon and I seem to be getting minor cramps. :(

9 DPO

Well, I woke up today EXTREMELY tired. Totally thought about calling into work and saying I had to come in late. I also woke up with a pretty sucky headache -- it felt as though I had one too many glasses of wine last night (FYI -- I drank no alcohol last night). Also, I was pretty hungry all morning (and still kind of am, even after eating a little something before leaving for work).

Still a little dizzy today when I stand up too fast.

And perhaps a little gassy? :)

Still extreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeemely tired. Like... could face plant any second. It's been like that all day and it's 3:15p right now...

I wanted to CRASH after work. Unbelievably tired. I slept from 7-7:30p, but then had to take my dog to the store and for a walk. For the 2 hours I wasn't home, I felt like a zombie. I also had REALLY minor cramps that last maybe an hour at the most.

8 DPO

Again, not really feeling anything today. I feel like I'm going to the bathroom more than usual -- but maybe I'm just drinking more water? I swear I do things to myself during the TWW to make me think I'm pregnant: I'll push on my boobs to make them sore; drink more water so I have to pee more; feel like I can't see as well hoping the hormones are f'ing with my eyes; the list goes on.

The only promising thing for me this month is that last night my husband made a comment that my hormones seem completely out of whack because I was acting crazier than normal (haha). He typically doesn't comment on things like this... so maybe he's right. Let's hope so.

PS -- I think a girl I work with is pregnant. Sweet. Another person to add to the list.

Update: I had minor cramps at night -- makes me think I'll be getting a BFN.

Update: Totally forgot that every time I stood up from sitting down, I was very dizzy.

7 DPO

Nothing. That's exactly what I feel. No symptoms. Nothing.

The only promising thing for me is that the last time I got pregnant I had the same symptoms... or lack thereof.

Fingers crossed. Only 7 more days to go...

Happy Birthday

I had to take a hiatus this weekend because I pretty much just cried all weekend since this was the weekend my baby was supposed to come into this world. It was the worst -- but at the same time, I almost feel some sort of closure. I felt a weight on my shoulders leading up to this weekend -- knowing that I would be a mess of tears all weekend -- but now that the weekend has past, I feel as though I can move forward with my life (but never forget) and move on to making another baby.

I went to mass with my husband yesterday and it felt good to be so close to God. Although, the sermon had a lot to do with love and loving your husband/wife and loving your child and how there is no love like loving your child, etc etc. I almost left mass at that point because I felt I couldn't hold back the tears any longer... but I stayed, and I'm glad I did.

4 DPO

So, I think my "symptoms" from yesterday were due to a slight illness or something, because I am not nearly as tired today as I was yesterday nor do I really have any of the other things I mentioned in yesterday's post.

So far, no symptoms today. The only symptom I might have is a fluttery feeling in my uterus... but let's be honest... it's too early, and I'm sure it's just in my head.

The two week wait is THE WORST.

Bowling for Baby

So, about a month ago, my husband and I (and two other people) joined a bowling league. While hubs and I have always wanted to be in a league, I also thought it would be a good way to get my mind of TTC, which supposedly is supposed to help TTC.

Not only did I think this would be a good way to get my mind off things, but I also thought it would be a great place for me to go -- no babies, no pregnant women -- nothing to make me think about what's on my mind 24/7.

Until last night.

My team played a team of three people... two brothers... and a pregnant girl. WTF. Can't I get away from pregnant women ANYWHERE I go?! And, to top it off... the girl isn't married (although, she is dating one of the brothers). It makes me INSANE that single girls have babies left and right (trust me, I know quite a few of 'em) and the girls who are in a committed relationship and are building a foundation for a family... cannot get pregnant!

Can you tell I'm having one of those venting days?

I guess the only good thing about bowling the pregnant team last night is that I focused all my energy and thoughts on bowling and tried to block the pregnant girl out of my head as much as I could. And I did that well, because I bowled a killer game last night.

3 DPO Symptoms?

Actually, the TWW began a few days ago, but I always sort of disregard the first few days because I feel like no symptoms will show up anyway.

I used an OPK this month instead of charting my temps (per dr's order), so I believe I'm 3DPO.

Here are some symptoms (?):

• had to PEEL myself out of bed this morning
• woke up with a headache -- it didn't go away for about 5 hours
• oddly super tired (especially since I went to bed at 10:30p last night)
• insanely hungry
• think I'm peeing more than usual, but that could be in my head

I'll be annoying and track how I feel each DPO -- perhaps you will have similar symptoms (if that's what we can call them, even thought we have no idea if we're pregnant).

Everyone is Knocked Up

First it was coping with the miscarriage, and now it's coping with the two week wait... while EVERYONE around me is having babies or getting knocked up.

If I could count the number of friends/relatives/coworkers/acquiantances who are pregnant, I think I would die. And as each day passes, it gets harder and harder.

Not only that, but EVERYONE on Facebook (yes, I'm in my upper 20s and have a Facebook account) either has status updates about being pregnant (or their wife being pregnant) or pictures of their growing belly or newly born baby. Every day I tell myself to get rid of Facebook because I can't stand to look at everyone's happiness, while I feel completely and utterly depressed. Why don't I get rid of my Facebook account, you ask? Because I'm addicted to playing Scrabble and I couldn't fathom getting through the work day without it. Priorities, people.

The only comfort I've found in dealing with everyone's pregnancy is that God has a plan and there's a reason that I lost my baby and that I don't have another miracle growing in me yet.

How do you cope with your loss or TTC when everyone around you is pregnant?

Want to Add to Our Family

Welcome, readers. I have no idea what I'm doing with this blog... have no idea how to write a blog... have no idea how to set up a blog... but I figured it's the best way to get my thoughts written down so they're not always in my head. Plus, I figured there are others out there who can relate.

Here's my story... my husband and I decided in August '08 that we were going to try for a baby. We got pregnant in September; I received a BFP on Sept. 29. From then on, I was ecstatic. I knew it could take a year or longer to get pregnant, but it only took us one month!

Weeks went by until I was able to see my doctor (she didn't want to see any pregnant patients until they were 8-10 weeks along). I saw her when I was 9.5 weeks. Everything was "good" according to her -- although, she did no ultrasound and we couldn't hear the baby's heartbeat on the doppler (she said this was normal at my stage of pregnancy).

It turned out, when I was 11.5 weeks pregnant, I started bleeding and began to miscarry. Once I was in the ER, I was told my baby was not alive and s/he died at only 6 weeks. Had my doctor had the appropriate equipment in her office, I would've known this 2 weeks prior and wouldn't have thought I was only a few short days away from my second trimester and getting rid of the fear of losing my baby.

That all happened in November and my husband and I started trying again in January. It's now June 3 and still no BFP (and I was due June 7 with my first baby, so you can imagine the week I'm having).

Feel free to use this blog as a site to vent or be upset or offer advice to me or anyone else who may read it.